Hello My Kota Bear Friends,
I pray this blog reaches you well. As much as I would like to apologize for not writing as much as I would like to, I’m a little hesitant because I know that all things happen for a reason.
Aside from that, I know you are all extremely supportive in knowing that I have a lot going on especially with the arrival of our daughter, Denver, in June. Life…Life and what can I say? More Life! I am, slowly, adjusting to life with two babies under the age of two, which has been extremely difficult.
I am the type of woman who juggles and handles ALL things with these two hands, but this past summer I came to terms that I needed help, not only with the children, but with myself as well. In addition, the overwhelming force of Post Partum expedited the process, and I started to spiral into a depression phase that took me by storm. I knew things were a little serious when my husband said we needed to have a talk. He was concerned and afforded me with ideas and assistance as I started on my climb back up to the top. Shirley was not Shirley, and this is when I realized that a lot of people (whom I loved and cared about) were made uneasy and very concerned, because no one had ever seen me this way.
After I gave birth to Denver, I made the decision that I was ready to go back home (to New Jersey), for the summer. I was anxious to see family and friends and settle into our new home. I was over the top excited about being home. All I kept saying was “its about to be LIT” and it was on the exterior but in the interior (my insides: physically, mentally and emotionally) was dim.
With Denver, I decided to encapsulate my placenta. I did some research on it, but more than anything I got a lot of insight and advice from women who had, previously, been through the process. (Placental encapsulation is the practice of ingesting the placenta after it has been steamed, dehydrated, ground, and placed into pills. Traditionally, this is taken by the mother and is believed to impart numerous health benefits. For more information on this, see the link: http://bit.ly/2EXcSVh .) Scientifically, there is nothing out there that proves if encapsulating your placenta truly helps a mother, after giving birth. However, it helped me out drastically, and if my opinion counts at all, I would highly recommend mothers to do the very same. During my down phase I would take two of my placenta pills in the morning to get my day started because it was good at balancing me out. When I did not take or have them, I could feel my mood and emotions shifting drastically.
Basically, what I am trying to communicate with you all is that Post Partum depression is REAL. While I am extremely blessed to have such an amazing husband, family and children, there is something that resonates and goes on inside of a mother’s brain after she gives birth to a child/children, and my advice to you would be, Do NOT be ashamed and to get help ASAP! Be honest with yourself and others. If you do not feel like your “normal self’, seek out help by contacting your physician, your mate, a close friend…someone who can help!
So many times, in life, we do not realize that we count on other people, places and things to complete us and make us happy, but that is not reality and that’s not fair. You complete yourself! So, be dedicated to becoming the best version of you, so that you can remain in “PEACE and not PIECES” (Iyanla Vanzant)!
I am, now, on a mission to heal from the inside out and to get better for ME first, because it all starts with ME. How can you be good to or for anyone else, if you are not all the way put together?
So, gradually, I started to pick apart things that were holding me down, and I let those things go and started to find my happy place again (which for me, is simple; books, prayer, family, mentoring, my business, etc.). Listen, we are ALL going through things in life, every single one of us, but God gives us a choice to make of either being happy and content with peace in Him, or to live miserably, worrying and fighting with the devil. So, find the positive, speak the positive, meditate on the good, ask for help, accept the help, release the toxic relationships and thinking. I don’t know about you, but uhhhh…..I would much rather have that taste of happiness in mouth and resonating in my spirit more than anything else, and that’s when I knew it was time.
I, recently, shared with my best friend that I started internally smiling again, and she asked me “What pulled you OUT?”
Now, this is one hell of a question! My answer was, "self sabotaging myself (not eating, loosing weight, not recognizing myself in the mirror, my thoughts were becoming so demonic".
But, what really really made me snap out of it, was knowing and having these feelings (of all that I’m going through), and for it not to even penetrate anyone else. Me realizing that I’m the one hurting myself, and no one else was an eye opener, because everyone else is still living their best life! No one else's life is stopping or on pause because we are hurting or because we are crying and going through pain. Everyone else keeps it moving right along, even friends and family. So, at the end of the day, all we truly have is God and self! God is truly the only one who never ever changes.
So, I noticed this past week, that by me keeping Him 1st, in all things is allowing everything and everyone around me to fall into place, as it should be! Even when I’m hurting inside or out, I still gotta care for our children. They have needs and wants that cannot go unattended. If I’m hurt I'll vent to you (my best friend) and you will listen and give advice but you keep it moving. If I call and pray with my Bishop, she does her part and pray, but she keeps it moving. Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with this...it’s life! I just think we need to become open and honest because everyone has something going on.
Now, when I call on the Lord and pray to GOD, honey, He truly hears my cry because He is the AUTHOR of it ALL....He was just waiting on me to call on Him. So, that’s what it was for me...realizing that my heartache and pain doesn’t really stick/resonate in anyone else’s eyes (for real for real), like it would mine.
So, ok, Shirl...ya back is in the corner! What you gonna do?
Call on God and move forward because He has broken me alllllllll the way down. Only to build me up to be better, and I KNOW this to be true because this is the first time I have ever done this (truly only focused on God) and not the person, place, hurt or pain, and I see the results. I can FEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLL THE RESULTS. So, I know this is right! He is the truth the way and the light. I don’t mean to be all religious walking around with scriptures on your forehead (lol), but I just do little things like, how I talk to you all (who are reading this), I talk the same way to Him. Praying throughout the day, read my little inspirational apps, which gives me a Bible verse a day, and Gospel music are getting me through.
Peace and Blessings
Don't forget to help us support hospital NICU's by getting cameras for parents to see their preemie when they can not be there with them. Go to www.mykotabear.com/shop